Remembering back to my 6 year old self outside in the front yard of my grandmas house showing off my cartwheels, splits, and somersaults to my family. I can remember a feeling of being proud of what I could do, what my body could do. As the years went by the pride I felt for my body lessened, disappeared, and eventually turned to hate. My teenage years were full of self-hate especially toward my body. My lowest of lows was directed at my body and how much I hated it by cutting. Punishing myself and directly attacking the parts of my body that I hated so much. I did come out of my low through the praise of others but still I hated myself.
I fell in love, got married, and had kids. All through this time I still did not like my body. There were moments of acceptance and small times of being proud, two of these moments were during my pregnancies. These two times were the only times in years that I was comfortable in my body because I was creating a life in there. After kids my body was looking even worse like my whole mid section (tummy, boobs and all) had turned into deflated balloons. It was then that I just disconnected myself from my body, I was so busy caring for others, working full-time, I had completely neglected myself. It was easier that way. Barely looking in the mirror, mostly just looking at my face in the morning to make sure there were no boogers coming out of my nose and that my hair was somewhat presentable. I went through life this way for at least 7 years, completely disconnected from my body.
And now to sound totally cheesy, then I found yoga...haha. Seriously though it has reconnected me to my body and how it feels. There are moments now that I am actively feeling my feet connected to the ground. Or when I'm in warrior II pose I can feel the air surrounding my arms and in that moment I'm not judging those flabby hanging arms. I am strong and feeling empowered in that pose appreciating the power I have within my body. Yoga gives me a chance to close my eyes and feel my body. How many of you have actually placed your hands on your belly and chest and felt your breath? Felt the way the air moves in and out of your body. Put your phone or computer down and take a minute right now and lay on the floor or your bed and place one hand on your chest and one hand on your stomach and just feel the movement of your body. (If you just did this in a public place you are the bomb!!!!)
The connection I feel within my body now I haven't felt since I was that young 6 year old in my grandma's front yard. I laid in savasana (corpse pose) today and though ,yoga has allowed me to truly feel my body again and for the first time I don't hate it. Those negative thoughts still do try to creep in but I evaluate them and ask myself is this a true statement. The answer is usually no unless I can't get out of that negative space and we all have those days. I acknowledge that negative though and remember how I actually feel during yoga. I bring that feeling back off the mat and remember the positivity I felt. This is my body, it is the way it is today and I appreciate it for what it can do. XOXOXOX
A thank you to the yoga studios and teachers that I have helped me a long this journey:
KORE Wellness & Swim Centre
Lotus Healing Centre